The Next Twenty Years » Humor

The Antarctic iceberg that looks like a giant humbug

bobayres — Thu, 29 May 2008 16:10:17 +0000

One of them looks like a giant mint humbug, with its clear blue, green and brown stripes. The other looks as if it has been shot through with a streak of spearmint. These stunning banded icebergs - formed over hundreds, if not thousands, of years - were pictured floating in the waters of the Antarctic. [ read more ]

Southwest Airlines Now Taking Passengers To Destinations By Shuttle Bus

Bob — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 01:27:38 +0000

theonion.com: In what the company is calling a “bold new leap” in comfort, convenience and overall quality of travel, Southwest Airlines announced Monday that it would be replacing its entire fleet of passenger jets and planes with daily shuttle buses.

The shuttle buses, which will depart from airport runways to over 200 destinations nationwide, represent a major breakthrough in commercial aviation. [ read more ]

Obama: Tracey Morgan On Saturday Night Live (SNL) Weekend Update

Bob — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 16:47:19 +0000

oliverwillis.com:

[ read more ]

Report: 6 Out Of 10 Americans Cannot Locate Payless Shoes On A Mall Map?

Bob — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 22:33:01 +0000

theonion.com: An alarming new study conducted by the Department of Education has found that 60 percent of all Americans are unable to locate the major retail outlet Payless Shoes when presented with an ordinary shopping-center map.

The study, which surveyed 200 consumers, has raised a number of troubling questions about the public’s grasp of basic mall geography, its ability to identify key regional chains, and its awareness of the diverse brands and logos that make up today’s world. [ read more ]

Shroud Of Turin Accidentally Washed With Red Shirt

Bob — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 22:31:56 +0000

theonion.com: VATICAN CITY—The Shroud of Turin, an ancient linen cloth believed to bear the image of Christ and considered by many clerics and devotees to be one of the holiest relics of the Christian faith, was inadvertently dyed a light shade of pink after being washed with a red T-shirt, sources reported Tuesday.

The holy antiquity, thought by some to be the very garment Jesus Christ was buried in, was discovered in 1354. Though it has suffered oxidation and fire damage over the centuries, this is the first time that the shroud has been harmed in a laundry-related mishap. [ read more ]

My Mega Millions

Bob — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 22:29:59 +0000

newyorker.com: What am I going to do with my Mega Millions? Good question. Here’s a hundred dollars.

The truth is, I haven’t really thought about it. I mean, I suppose I’ll have to hire a lawyer to start preëmptively suing people who claim that I owe them money or fathered them or blinded them in a bar fight. And I’ll need bodyguards with double-0 clearance, for insurance purposes. And another lawyer to sue the first lawyer. But, beyond that, my life is going to stay pretty much the way it is, only with the Mega Millions. [ read more ]

DOT Creates New Lane For Reckless Drivers

Bob — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 22:28:40 +0000

theonion.com: Secretary of Transportation Mary Peters unveiled a new $270 billion federal project Monday to build special lanes for dangerous and careless drivers on most major U.S. highways.

“These new lanes are for the millions of drivers who can’t be bothered with speed limits, turn signal use, or not careening madly out into oncoming traffic,” Peters said during the opening ceremony for the first reckless-driving route, a steeply banked, guardrail-lined on-ramp to I-395 outside Arlington, VA. “Whether hell-bent on putting themselves and everyone around them in danger or just drunk off their gourds and out for a simple joyride, America’s reckless will no longer be forced to putter along with careful, conscientious, considerate citizens.” [ read more ]

No, But We Saw the Movie

Bob — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 22:27:18 +0000

newyorker.com: When they got home that night, she went to get the book. She’d ordered it earlier in the week and meant to read it before they went to the movie, but it was a hard week and things got away from her. This was happening more and more.

Maybe if we look in the book we’ll be able to figure it out, she said.
Maybe we’ll find out what happened at the motel, he said. Why did it skip forward like that?
He said it’s the same in the book. [ read more ]

By the Foot

Bob — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 22:25:49 +0000

newyorker.com: I feel sorry for people who still think of their places in terms of square feet. My partner, Scott, and I recently purchased Wyoming, which we are in the process of having renovated, and, yes, I do know the square footage (something like two trillion seven hundred and thirty billion square feet, give or take). But that’s just not a very practical type of measurement when we’re dealing with all the plumbers and contractors and security staff and reporters and other non-wealthy service personnel we have to give instructions to. Nowadays, everybody involved in redoing substantial properties like ours uses Global Transverse Mercator Units (GTMUs), which you get off a satellite feed. GTMUs, we’ve found, are much more accurate for detail work like wainscoting, and are able to deal with vast alkali flats and so on, too. [ read more ]

Cartoonist of the Month

Bob — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 22:24:32 +0000

newyorker.com: Crystal, a twenty-two-year-old woman who has lent money to her ex-boyfriend for a truck, appears on “Oprah,” accompanied by Dr. Emma Bernstein, who has written a book entitled “When Smart Women Give Dumb Men Money for Trucks.” Oprah asks the studio audience how many of them have given money to men for trucks. Three-quarters of the audience raise their hands. Oprah throws up her arms and shakes her head in disbelief. Dr. Bernstein smiles sadly. After the station break, Dr. Bernstein turns and asks Crystal why she feels the need to be with a man who needs money for a truck. Oprah wonders, “Why not be with a man who needs money for a BMW?” Crystal sees the error of her ways and starts to cry. [ read more ]